Mistakes or learning exsperiences???

I've been think a lot about the last two years or so.  As I think back on them I see lots of ups and downs.  Like a very long roller coaster.    It might even go back further than two years.

Let me give you a little back ground on my life and why I think I've had a hard time the past couple of years...at least.

All my life, until a couple years ago, I lived my life in a way most would think was close to perfect.  I tried hard to live this way.   I did everything I needed to do to live my life the way I had been taught to do so in my church and by my parents.  I didn't ever feel like I was missing out on anything.  I loved my life and I felt like God loved me.  I knew I was making my parents proud at how I was growing up.  I took a lot of slack from some of my friends and people I went to school with.  I wasn't a goody goody but I'm sure some people thought I was.  I just wanted to live the right way.

Honestly I can I say I didn't do anything wrong until I was like 20 years old.  I felt horrible.  I even remember at the time thinking OK I'm done with that.  That is not my thing.  I remember girls I worked with having parties and going off in big groups camping and stuff.  Part of me wanted to be apart of that group.  They were always having fun.  But they never invited me because to them I was to good.  You know?

Well after a couple little bumps in the road, I did end up serving a mission for my church.  I went to the Honolulu Hawaii mission.  Absolutely the best experience ever!  Serving a mission made me realize how grate full I was that I lived my life so good and didn't make to many mistakes along the way.  I knew it was all for a reason and I was grateful.  Serving my mission allowed me to fully focus on the real purpose of life and other people.  It was amazing!  I will forever be thankful for that experience. 

After I got home from my mission I wanted to get married and have kids.  After being home about a year and a half I married my husband.........this is where things started to go wrong.  Not right away but eventually.  My husband was also a returned missionary.  I thought we at least had that in common.  I knew that whatever problems we had in our marriage as long as we were on the same page with religion we should be able to make it through.

I don't remember exactly when but right around five years into our marriage my husband informed me he no longer believed in the church we both belonged to.  He hadn't gone to church for the first five years of our marriage.  He worked on Sundays for the first 10 years of our lives together.  I know it's easy to fall away if you don't go to church.  But he was adamant that he no longer believed.  This information killed me!  I felt betrayed and lied too.  The whole life I had planned in my head was not going to happen!  The whole base of our marriage felt like it no longer was there.  It was gone!  Of course we loved each other and we didn't just get married because we both belonged to the same church and were both returned missionaries.  My whole life I was only going to marry a returned missionary!

Ever since he dropped that load of horrible information I began to fall apart inside.  I no longer felt like we saw eye to eye on anything.  I no longer felt like our marriage meant anything.  I felt like if he no longer believed in our religion then our temple marriage was false.  It was a a very devastating time for me.  I seriously considered leaving him just based on that alone.

Well as the years went on, I tried to go to church by myself or with my children.  But its VERY hard to go alone without your spouse.  I don't know why, it just is.  I tried and I still try but it isn't the same.  I always wanted to be one of those cute couples at church that teach a class together or speak in church together.  We have never spoke together.  He always refused the invitation.  I wanted to be that cute couple that held hands and whispered during class together or wrote love notes to each other as the teacher taught.  None of that ever happened for me.  I know it's petty and small but to me it was big and something I thought would always be.

For years now, off and on I have been inactive.  I try hard for awhile and then stop for awhile and then try again and stop.  Sometimes it feels like when I don't go to church that Bryan and I actually get along better.  I 'm not sure why.  Sometimes I find myself being mad at him more for not going to church when I go.  It's weird.

Anyway, I felt betrayed by Bryan.  I felt like living my life so "perfect" was all in vain!  I felt like I missed out on lots of fun growing up trying to be so perfect so I could have this perfect marriage in the temple and then that didn't happen.  So to be honest I quit trying.  I gave up!  Completely gave up on so many things.  In the past two years I have made A LOT of mistakes.  A LOT!  I've done things I'm not proud of.  BUT today I decided that I was going to be happy about my life.  To do that I need to forgive myself for all the horrible things I have done and move on and be happy.  I found myself holding on to all those things and beating myself up for them over and over again.  I did start going back to church in October of 2011.  But I go through phases where I beat myself up again and then quit going.   I really truly hope I can forgive myself and move on.   So from this point on, I am going to forgive myself.  I have learned many things from my mistakes!  That is good right?  I was so glad when 2011 was over!  I was so glad 2012 was going to be the best year ever.  It has been a good year so far in lots of ways but I've made mistakes this year too!  I will always make mistakes, it's part of the process.  It's just hard!

Lets all forgive ourselves today of our pasts and more forward with faith and hope!